I am hungry. I could eat a horse, or a pig, or perhaps just the two Chinese lunch specials I order so often. $5.99 lunch specials, they come with either fried or white rice, and an eggroll. Why do I think it is a fantastic offer? Their food sucks, the owner has anger issues and I shouldn’t eat something like that, to begin with. “But it’s a good deal” whispers the voice inside me. Screw you voice, go away!
Maybe a large pizza just for myself -nobody would know, and who cares what the delivery boy thinks, right? I have fast food on my mind. A burger with delicious French Fries, or perhaps I could order….? STOP IT!
I am pathetic and I know it -what might work in my favor. I want to lose weight. I want to kick RA in the butt, but here I am dreaming about a paradise full of processed foods. Everything that hurts me is in on my mind. What is wrong with me?
Have I mentioned that I am pathetic?
Hunger, I don’t know what it is. Millions of people all around the world are starving and I think I am hungry? I should do stand-up comedy. I am hilarious!
I bought ice cream for my husband. I know I can’t have it, but wanted to surprise him. He spoils me rotten and I like to return the favor. He works hard and doesn’t have to lose weight. Life around me will go, the world will not stop turning, just because I think I am suffering.
I have my smart moments. I put a sticky note on the ice cream and it made me smile today in the morning. Dairy hurts me! RA and dairy products don’t match. It’s that simple!
I could continue to eat myself into a frenzy, and perhaps even go on disability. My fingers will look like sausages for the rest of my life and with nothing to do, I could eat all day long. Goodness, just writing this hurts. This is not the future I want to live.
And guess what. Just by writing it down, I snapped out of it. Reading it black in white on my screen just helped me to realize what I was about to do. Sabotaging myself once again -as I always do. My relationship with food is screwed up. I long for everything that I shouldn’t have, and everything that I have at home does not fulfill my urge to eat something salty, greasy, fatty, sweet -you name it.
Nevertheless. I am on Day#3 of juicing and mighty proud of it. I know I am hanging on by a thread but hey, at least I am hanging on. Every minute, every hour, every day will be a step toward a healthier and ultimately lighter me.