Fighting RA

I cannot be Trusted -yet

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Why are you attacking me, what have I ever done to you? I want to scream but I don’t say a word. I haven’t treated it right, have ransacked and abused parts of this beautiful, fat body for quite some time.

I am carrying an imaginary adult person on my shoulders, everywhere I go. Goodness, how could I end up being that big, to begin with?

Have I gotten Rheumatoid Arthritis because of it? I don’t know, nobody does and in the end, it won’t matter. I have to deal with it. That’s why I am here! That’s why I am detoxing right now. No more dairy! No more Carbs! No more Meds!

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Every night I look at the picture of US on the wall. I like the woman I see but don’t recognize her anymore. She is me, just younger and of course healthier. Back then I thought  I was too big, had between 20-25 lbs to lose, what seems like a joke to me now.

I am looking at the two mason jars of MEAN GREEN JUICE and the four bottles of water I have to drink today and I feel anger and resentment. I want to stomp my feet. I don’t want that. I want a grilled ham and cheese sandwich with a fried egg on top, please. Make it two -one was never enough. 

Eat kid, eat all you want and continue to be fat and hurt all over. That’s the reality of my food hallucination and I know it.

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Today I was smart. I signed up with SHIPT, a grocery home delivery service and placed my first order at 10 am. 6 Cucumbers, 5 Kale, Ginger root, Baby Spinach, Blackberries Bok Choy and for the very first time ever…Dandelion greens, which I will mix with blackberries, spinach and half of a banana for my morning smoothie.


Someone did the shopping for me and I tipped her generously. I got what I needed -not what I wanted- and I didn’t have a walk through temptation paradise because of her.

If that’s what it will take to keep me on track, then that’s what I will do, as long as I cannot be trusted. I picture myself flying over the deli counter on my hunt for fried chicken. I envision myself sitting on a mountain of donuts, in the bakery aisle. I will use this delivery service on days like today.

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Around lunchtime, I got overwhelmed with hunger -again- and I gave it. I had a nice plate of cauliflower rice and spiralized beet noodles and I am now comfortably full -and oh, so proud of myself.

12 more days. Hang in there Pumpkin! You can do it!

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