How do you forgive yourself when you have destroyed your own life? When you have self-sabotaged and talked yourself out of every healthy choice you’re presented with? When you engage in a pattern of self-destructive behavior that only feeds on itself and drags you down into a black hole?
At times, I feel like my own worst enemy. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I make myself so miserable? Why can’t I say NO to a binge, even when it feels like purgatory? I am the only one making these decisions, and I know what decisions I want to make. I want to say no to the laziness. I want to say no to depression. I want to say no to tomorrow, and yes to today. Because one day there will be no tomorrow.
Sometimes it feels like I’m trapped and my brain suddenly goes into autopilot. I don’t want to binge. I really don’t. But something switches and I have no control. It’s terrifying when it happens. It’s like I just give up on life. I throw up my hands and say, “Fine, life. You win. I don’t care anymore.” But that’s a lie because I do care. And it’s hard to care. It’s uncomfortable to care. It’s easier to pretend you don’t care.
But just as I have destroyed my life, I have the ability to repair it. I have the ability to forgive myself. It’s not easy and it’s not something that happens overnight. I have to earn back my own trust. I have to prove to myself that I am strong, and I am capable of making healthy choices for myself.
I have to learn to be proud of myself. Even though I make mistakes, I’ve done some pretty amazing things in my life, and have some pretty amazing people to be thankful for. I can’t tell myself I don’t care when I really do. I can’t tell myself to give up when life gets a little uncomfortable, because that’s when the growing starts. That’s when you become a stronger person and that’s when the life you’re privileged with, truly gets to be lived.
I need to forgive myself and just while writing this I find myself smiling. I have been harsh and unforgiving toward myself, almost like I am my own worst enemy. Loving who I am and acknowledging that I want to get better and with that, lighter and healthier might be the most important step forward.