I am dealing with the worst RA flare I ever had. My hands feel broken, every movement hurts and just getting up takes all the strengths I have.
Oh God, why me? (Why not!)
I have lost, gained and regained the same pounds over and over. I seem to be running in circles, like a hamster in the wheel. Why can’t I break away from my habits? Sugar and sweets hurt me, dairy causes me pain, and gluten is still in question and should be eliminated until I know for sure.
Whenever I stick to my plan I feel not good, but better. I can tell the difference. My joints are no longer hot to the touch, my fingers and wrists are less swollen, and not as stiff. Walking and standing in the shower is all of a sudden not a big deal anymore.
Still, I always go back to my old ways, hard to explain. I am hurting myself and I continue to do so.
I sure act like one, don’t I?
But now I will have to change my ways. My husband got injured at work and his surgery is scheduled 80 days from today, on November 20th.
Then he will have to rely on me and I am unreliable at this point.
I hurt! I hurt! I hurt!
I eat wrong! I eat wrong! I eat wrong!
I can tell that certain foods hurt me, yet I continue eating them. Worse! I crave them with gusto.
You tell me I can’t have it, I want it even more.
I am on a crossroad. Either I get my shit together, or I will fail me and my husband, which I prefer not to do. I want to be there for him, want to be able to walk into the hospital and sit with him. I want to be able to help him up, prepare meals and cut them for him, and not the other way around.
80 days till surgery. It’s a countdown for me, more than from him. I have no more room left to goof off. This time it’s about him and not me, perhaps that’s all I needed.
Food, please, be my friend!
Food, please work with me and not against me!
Food, please, let me control you for once!
I have been a good girl yesterday and I am mighty proud of it.
- Gluten-free Oats with coconut milk and blackberries for breakfast.
- Green Mean Juice for Lunch.
- Quinoa with steamed Zucchini, Bok Choy and Seaweed for Diner. Not my favorite, but filling.
Today in the morning I got the reward. I hurt less. Voila, that’s a start!
(Weight unknown at this point, still somewhere around 310 lbs I suppose, need to get a new battery for the scale today.)